Growing Pains

I was fairly happy with who I am. I had learned to accept my weaknesses and embrace my strengths. Then parenthood happened. Suddenly, who I am is not enough. Parenthood is forcing me to grow and stretch in ways that are not always comfortable or wanted. When people say that becoming a parent changes you, they are absolutely correct. But don't necessarily think that this change is always fun or exciting, just bloody necessary! So here's to the changes forged by parenthood, may they serve my children well. Bring on the pain...

Health Care

My little girl had a health scare. Thanking God that she is alright, but still worried about the long-term effects of my decisions regarding her health. Reminding myself not to brood, and that I am making the best decisions that I can. By the time my babies reach adulthood they might have some emotional issues, but at least they will be functional members of society and (I hope) relatively happy.I think that's the goal of this whole enterprise, hmm? My goal is to cause no damage that can't be addressed with a little therapy and friendship! And with the booming pharmaceutical industry, I'm sure there will be drugs that they can take for whatever lingering effects - perceived or real - of my poor parenting!

Back in Middle School

Apparently, I am in 6th grade again! How did this occur? Well, as a parent of a sixth grader, I am required to help with all types of projects and to help my precious (but not so studious) child prepare for the many tests that are a part of the middle school curriculum. As a result, her study schedule is MY study schedule. Her projects are MY projects. Let me tell you, going back is not fun! The saddest, silliest part of this situation is how vested I am in the resulting grade! So much so, that the results affect my mood! Highs for good grades, terrible lows for the disappointing ones. Hum, I have my own stuff! Don't need the kids' stuff effecting my mood too! So why am I am constantly checking the online grade posting system to see what I got! Of course, somehow, that "A" or that "F" is more than just a grade on a test; it is a parenting grade! No matter how illogical that thought is, this is how it seems. So there you have it...their stuff becomes your stuff...and there seems to be no getting away from that fact. But, I'm working on it. For now, off to see what grades I received today!

Funny Stand Up by Louis CK

Oh! to be single again!

A friend shared this skit with me. It's the first time I ever heard any of Louis CK's stand-up. I thought it was funny and on-topic, so I am sharing it here.

Isn't it interesting that sometimes the only way that the less satisfactory facts of day-to-day life can be expressed(sanctioned?)is through a humorous delivery??

Enjoy!

Decisions for daughter...and mom

It has been a very up and down few days...My daughter and I went shopping for an outfit for the Christmas show at school. What an adventure that turned out to be! She showed what being a preteen is all about! We had to negotiation dressing for that weird place between "little kid" and "way too grown for your age!" I actually found it illuminating and entertaining to watch her make choices based on what flatters her 'figure' the most. What I did not like so much is the worry that came with making sure that she studied for her exams; and feeling the anxiety that comes with wondering if you are making the right decisions for your child. What a burden! No wonder so many moms are on something to cope...Well, back to contemplating how I should handle one of many decisions about her life that are my responsibility....

Sleep...it helps a Mom be all that she can be

It's the end of the day. This evening went rather well. This happy result is, in large part, due to the nap I took as soon as I got in from work. Did awake to my son crying in his room. Why? Because he was still doing homework and needed help that he was not getting from his older sister (go figure!) nor his father (are you kidding me??!) --Homework, the most frustrating activity of the day for the kids and the parents. Thankfully, the nap helped steady me. I was able to provide help with patience, humor and guidance - one of my shining moments in parenthood! These moments are always easier when I'm rested. But how to maintain? That's the question. I did maintain my positive manner almost throughout the whole evening, so I'm going to call this evening at home with the kids a success! Score one for being a good mom despite myself.

Remembering how it started

Today, I feel resentment towards my husband. I keep remembering that he is the reason I am a parent - and therefore currently experiencing these feelings of stress, tiredness and strain...and a whole mix-mash of other adjectives that describe the feelings that come with being trapped in a long term relationship that is not satisfying (That would be parenting!)

Of course, I know that this attitude is not healthy for me and especially my relationship, so I shake it off. Admit to myself that, ultimately, having children was a choice that I made and I have no one to blame but myself. How depressing!

But since it is NOT a situation that I can change, I must soldier on, doing the best that I can to be a good parent, despite my total distaste for the job.

I wonder, does anyone else feel this way? Am I the only mother out there to find that parenting is NOT for her, but still trying gamely to be the good mother through it all?

Well, Merry Christmas!